Layla's space

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams it is still a beautiful world.

Monday, October 22, 2007

One year later

My, it has been such a long time. I've changed jobs twice since I last posted - having done my brief stint as an SpR I am back to plain old SHO these days, courtesy of MTAS, and am currently doing plain old SHO nights. Ho hum. I'm just relieved to be in work, to be honest.

I've passed the one year mark since my mother died suddenly in the summer of 2006. I still feel the same, I suppose. 'The same' being perfectly fine most of the time but prone to random episodes of sadness and an acute sense of loss, which can hit me at the most inconvenient moments. Normally when I'm sitting eating my lunch or on a Consultant ward round. Nobody notices, which is good. Often I will just suddenly recall with total clarity the moment when my father told me she had died. Most of the time, I can recall his exact words, and what I was doing when I found out, but the emotions I felt at that exact moment escape me. But every so often it comes back to me perfectly, and I feel exactly as I did then. For a moment, then it's gone. How would I describe it? Well, how you would expect I suppose. Nothing ground-breaking or new to anyone who has experienced it. Nothing surprising to those who have not. Shock. A sensation similar to plunging several floors down in a lift (or on one of those totally pointless fairground rides which give you a similar experience).

How exactly are you supposed to feel?

I miss her. I miss her whenever something really funny happens, because I know she'd have laughed. I miss her when something good happens in my life, because I know she'd have been pleased. I miss her when I learn something new, when I'm ill, when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I just need my mother and she's not there and I can't fucking stand it.

But mostly, as I said, I'm fine.

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